Managing Family Expectations: European vs. Asian Parenting

The Differences Between European and Asian Cultures in Parental Expectations for Children

Parental expectations for children are an essential aspect of family life. However, the way these expectations are expressed and their intensity vary significantly across cultures. Two representative regions to compare are Asia and Europe, where family values, education methods, and views on success are shaped by distinct cultural and historical foundations.

Collective Thinking vs. Individual Thinking

Asia

In many Asian countries, especially China, Japan, Vietnam, and South Korea, collective thinking plays a dominant role. Parental expectations are often tied to the benefits of the entire family or lineage. A child’s success is not merely a personal achievement but also a reflection of filial piety and the family’s honor.

For instance, in Japan, gaining admission to a prestigious university like the University of Tokyo is not just the student’s personal goal but a source of immense pride for the family. Parents often invest heavily in education, from extra tutoring classes to intense exam preparation.
Pressure: Children in Asia often feel indebted to their parents’ expectations, especially in families that have made financial or personal sacrifices to provide opportunities for their development.

Europe

In contrast, Europe, particularly in Northern and Western Europe, emphasizes individual thinking. Parents generally encourage children to explore their interests, talents, and career paths independently. Personal success is measured by individual satisfaction and happiness rather than family or societal recognition.

For example, in Sweden, parents often prioritize fostering independence from a young age. They value allowing their children to choose their field of study or profession, even if the choice does not promise high income or social status.
Result: This approach reduces pressure but may occasionally lead to a lack of clear direction without adequate parental guidance.

Views on Education and Success

Asia

Education is seen as the most crucial path to societal success. Asian parents often set very high expectations for their children’s academic achievements, believing that perfect grades or admission to prestigious schools guarantee a bright future.

Typical expectations:

• Achieving high grades and ranking at the top of the class.
• Gaining admission to top universities like the National University of Singapore (NUS) or Peking University.
• Pursuing high-status careers such as doctors, lawyers, or engineers.

Impact: Excessive academic pressure often leads to stress or an imbalance between life and work. A study in South Korea found that high school students experience higher rates of depression due to academic pressure compared to their Western counterparts.

Europe

In Europe, education focuses on holistic development, balancing academics, arts, and sports. European parents are less concerned about specific grades and instead prioritize diverse learning experiences and soft skills to navigate life.

Typical expectations:

• Encouraging personal interests, such as music or sports.
• Developing critical thinking and creativity rather than rote learning.
• Striking a balance between work and personal life.

Impact: Children are often free to choose their development paths but may lack the drive to achieve ambitious goals if clear guidance is absent.

Expectations for Family Roles

Asia

In many Asian countries, gender roles and family positions significantly influence parental expectations. Sons are often expected to bear financial responsibilities and carry on the family lineage, while daughters are raised to become good homemakers or caretakers for their aging parents.

For example, in Vietnam, the eldest son traditionally shoulders the responsibility of ancestor worship and family care.
Impact: These roles can create heavy burdens, especially in modern contexts where men and women both pursue equal career opportunities and lifestyles.

Europe

Conversely, family roles in Europe are less rigidly defined by gender. Children are encouraged to freely choose their lifestyles without being bound by family traditions. European parents also do not typically expect their children to take care of them in old age, as they often prepare financially to remain independent.

For instance, in the Netherlands, parents do not expect their children to live nearby to provide care in old age. Instead, they encourage their children to move far away for better opportunities.
Result: This fosters freedom but can sometimes weaken family bonds, especially with increased geographic and cultural distances.

Filial Piety and Family Connection

Asia

Filial piety is a core value in East Asian cultures. Parents often expect children to “repay” them by providing care, financial support, or fulfilling their wishes.

For example, in China, Confucian philosophy strongly influences family life, emphasizing the importance of prioritizing the family’s interests over personal desires.
Impact: This creates a close intergenerational connection but can limit children’s independence.

Europe

In Europe, filial piety is understood in a less direct manner. Parents do not expect their children to sacrifice their personal lives to care for them. Instead, family relationships are built on mutual respect and voluntary support.

For example, in Germany, parents encourage children to pursue their independent lives once they reach adulthood. Children are more emotionally than financially responsible for their parents

Managing Expectations in the Family: A Pathway to Harmony and Balance

Understanding and Defining Expectations in the Family

Family expectations are a concept both familiar and complex. They not only reflect the desires of each member but are also influenced by cultural, social values, and often the invisible pressure of past generations. This makes identifying and managing expectations a significant challenge.

KTGA recalls the story of a colleague in New York who shared the burden of expectations from his parents. His parents hoped he would become a lawyer, continuing the family tradition, but he wanted to pursue art. Although he achieved great success as an artist, he always felt indebted to his parents’ expectations. This story is common, especially in families where expectations are tied to honor and achievement.

Family expectations often revolve around several common areas:

1. Financial Expectations

For many families, particularly those invested in the stock market or running businesses, financial expectations often come with pressure. Parents may expect their children to contribute to the family’s finances or achieve financial independence quickly.

2. Academic Expectations

Many parents hope their children will excel academically, earn prestigious scholarships, or be admitted to top universities such as Harvard or Stanford.

3. Roles Within the Family

Some families clearly define the roles of each member, such as the mother handling household chores, the father being the breadwinner, and children following their parents’ guidance obediently.

But how can these expectations be identified?

Research by Professor William Damon at Stanford University shows that open communication is the key to understanding family members’ desires. Spend time listening and asking questions like:
“What matters most to you in this family?” or
“What do you hope we can achieve together?”
These simple yet sincere questions help uncover deep-seated expectations, including those that even the individuals themselves may not have realized.

Setting Common Goals and Priorities

A successful family is not one without conflicts but one that overcomes them through unified goals. Establishing common goals helps family members focus on a long-term vision, reducing conflicts and strengthening bonds.

1. Define Short-Term and Long-Term Goals

KTGA once met a family in California who collectively invested in the U.S. stock market. Their short-term goal was to save enough for a small house, while their long-term aim was to secure a college fund for their children. The clarity of these goals not only helped them focus on saving but also brought the family closer by sharing responsibilities.

2. Create a Priority List to Balance Individual and Collective Needs

For instance, in the tumultuous year of 2020, many U.S. families adjusted their budgets to cope with stock market fluctuations. One family KTGA interviewed in Chicago shifted their long-term investment plans to prioritize emergency funds. They cut unnecessary expenses but kept a small budget for family entertainment to maintain a positive spirit.

3. Flexibility in Facing Changes

Life doesn’t always go as planned, and adaptability is vital to maintaining family balance. For example, during the 2008 stock market crash, many families canceled vacations or large purchases to focus on preserving assets. Research from the University of Michigan indicates that families who discuss finances and personal goals regularly cope better with crises.

Respecting Individual Differences

Diversity in personalities, perspectives, and values is an inherent part of any family. However, this can also become a source of conflict if not understood and respected.

1. Recognize That Everyone Has Unique Traits and Values

A father who values financial stability may not understand why his child wants to pursue a risky career like entrepreneurship. Accepting and supporting the child’s choices can build mutual trust and respect.

2. Encourage Independence and Personal Freedom

KTGA met a young investor in Los Angeles who chose to leave his family’s banking profession to work in technology. Initially, his parents opposed his decision but later realized that fostering his independence was the best way to maintain a positive family relationship.

3. Empathy as the Bridge in Family Relationships

Instead of reacting harshly to differences, try stepping into the other person’s shoes. KTGA often shares the story of a mother in New York who learned to listen to her daughter instead of always giving advice. This small change brought them closer after years of conflict.

Tips from KTGA: An effective way to build empathy is to organize informal family conversations. Choose a weekend evening, turn off electronic devices, and share what makes you happy, worried, or in need of support. This not only enhances communication but also provides an opportunity to address minor misunderstandings before they become major issues