Recognizing Differences in Parenting Views

KTGA has always believed that differences in a marriage are unavoidable. While we may share love and affection, it is inevitable that we will hold opposing views when it comes to raising children. One partner might lean towards allowing the child to freely explore and develop their personality, while the other may want to enforce discipline and establish a solid framework. Both perspectives have valid reasons behind them. So, how can we overcome these differences without hurting each other?

The key is not to rush to conclusions about who is right or wrong. KTGA always emphasizes that in a marital relationship, each person has their own perspective, which reflects different experiences, values, and dreams. Understanding the other person’s motives, instead of criticizing or dismissing their opinions, is the first step in resolving conflicts. Once you understand the reasons behind each other’s choices, you’ll realize that both parenting approaches have noble goals, but we just haven’t yet seen them from a shared perspective.

A study from Harvard University on family psychology shows that in marital conflicts, if each partner can recognize and respect the other’s differences, the chances of maintaining a healthy relationship are significantly higher. Remember, differences are not divisive factors; they are opportunities for us to learn and grow.

Listening and Respecting Each Other

In every debate about parenting, KTGA often observes that the most important factor is not what you say, but how well you listen to your partner. Listening is not just staying silent while the other speaks, but truly understanding and feeling the emotions and motives behind each word. You may not agree with your spouse’s viewpoint, but when you try to understand why they think the way they do, you’ll realize that empathy can ease many conflicts.

A story from a couple KTGA recently met is a clear example. The husband wanted their child to always follow strict schedules and maintain discipline, while the wife believed children needed the freedom to develop themselves. After a long period of arguing without listening to each other, they decided to sit down together and truly listen to each other’s feelings. This act of listening helped them realize that both of them wanted the same thing — a bright future for their child — they just had different methods. They eventually agreed to combine setting a few basic rules with creating opportunities for their child to freely explore and develop their personality.

One principle KTGA always recommends when discussing sensitive topics is to avoid starting with phrases like “I disagree with you because…”. Instead, start with “I understand how you feel, but could we try this…”. This helps reduce the feeling of criticism and opens the door for a sincere and effective discussion.

Tip: When faced with disagreements on parenting, do not rush to react immediately. Take the time to truly listen and understand your partner, because sometimes what they need is empathy, not a defense of your own perspective.

Identifying Core Values

Despite differences in parenting styles, KTGA believes that every family has core values in common. These values are not just standards or rules you wish to apply to your children, but the foundational principles that both partners believe in and want to pass on to their children. While you and your spouse may approach things differently, both of you surely want your child to have a solid educational foundation and to grow up to be a person of integrity and responsibility.

Therefore, identifying these shared values will provide a solid foundation for resolving differences. KTGA has seen many families with differing parenting methods, but when they focus on shared core values such as respect, kindness, and honesty, they are able to find suitable solutions for raising their children.

A well-known study from the University of California shows that when parents can find common ground on core values, children feel consistency in the way they are raised, which leads to more balanced development. For instance, if both parents agree on educating their children with respect and love, they will easily establish rules that align with their values and make decisions together in a more coherent way.

Tip: To find shared core values in parenting, have an open conversation with your partner about what you both value most in raising children. This will help you create a solid and unified foundation, making it easier to resolve differences in parenting methods.

Putting the Children’s Interests First

KTGA understands that in conflicts over parenting, it is easy to fall into the trap of defending personal views. Each person has their own reasons for their approach, and sometimes, we forget that the ultimate goal is not to win the argument. The goal is to create the best nurturing, loving, and safe environment for our children to grow and thrive.

Placing your child’s interests above all else can help both of you view the issue more objectively. KTGA has witnessed couples who used to argue fiercely about parenting, but when they shifted their perspective and focused on their children’s well-being, they realized that their differences were not conflicts, but opportunities to learn from each other. A study from the University of Michigan reveals that when parents set aside personal disagreements and focus on the shared goal of their child’s well-being, they are more likely to find common ground.

Remember, when you argue, think about what your child needs rather than what you want. One way to achieve this is to discuss the values and foundations you both want your children to have — a good education, independence, and kindness. When you do this, your differences will no longer seem like a major issue.

Tip: In every discussion, try asking yourself, “If I were my child, what would I need from my parents right now?” Putting yourself in your child’s shoes will help you find solutions that are both reasonable and fair

Discussing in a Calm Space

Emotions can be the most dangerous enemy in any debate. KTGA believes that in moments of tension, we can easily say things that unintentionally hurt the other person, or even make things worse. Especially when it comes to parenting, when both spouses’ emotions are stirred, conveying parenting messages becomes more difficult than ever.

Ideally, you and your partner should take time to discuss when both of you are calm and able to listen to each other sincerely. Never let a conversation take place when you are angry or feeling exhausted. A study from the University of California shows that in tense discussions, maintaining a quiet, uninterrupted space helps reduce defensive reactions and creates a more open atmosphere for problem-solving.

KTGA has witnessed many families go through tense debates that caused them to lose their connection. However, when they decided to stop talking at that moment, take time for themselves to regain calm, they were able to come back and solve the problem in a more balanced way. Emotions, if left uncontrolled, will influence every decision. And when both individuals have time to manage their emotions, the discussion becomes far more effective.

Tip: Before any important discussion, agree on a time and space to talk. Ensure that this space will be undisturbed, and that you both have enough time to truly listen to each other.

Trying to Apply Flexible Methods

KTGA has seen many families make a common mistake: sticking to a consistent parenting method even when the situation, circumstances, or the child’s development changes. However, family life is an ever-changing flow. Methods that work today might not be suitable tomorrow. Therefore, the ability to adjust parenting strategies to fit each stage of the child’s development is crucial.

For example, when your child is young, creating a structured environment with simple rules such as “no snacking before meals” or “pick up toys after playing” can be very effective. However, when the child enters adolescence, rigid rules may become counterproductive. Instead, you can apply a softer approach, encouraging more exchange and dialogue.

For instance, instead of saying, “You can’t go out until you finish your homework,” you could say, “I think finishing your homework is really important. If you didn’t finish today, how can we plan for tomorrow?” This statement shows respect for the child’s feelings and autonomy, while also helping them understand their responsibilities.

In addition, a flexible method includes adjusting your behavior based on specific situations. For example, if the child is having a bad day, you shouldn’t impose strict rules or scold them. Instead, use a more supportive approach. You might say, “It seems like you’re having a tough day. Let’s sit down together and see what we can do to make you feel better.” This not only helps the child feel at ease but also creates an opportunity for both parents to share and support the child.

Tip: In special situations, don’t hesitate to change your parenting approach. Always remember that parenting is not a competition, but a two-way journey where both parents and children learn and grow together.