Mother and Daughter-in-Law: Tips for Harmonious Living

You have probably heard stories about the relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. This relationship, while it can be sweet and peaceful, can also turn into a tangled mess full of tension, conflict, and sometimes, unresolved misunderstandings and sadness. KTGA has witnessed many families face these challenges, not due to a lack of love or respect, but because of differing perspectives on life, personal values, and unspoken expectations.

Understand the Root Causes of Conflict

Conflicts between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law are often not just about “clashing personalities,” as we commonly think. They can stem from deeper issues related to power, control, and sometimes a fear of losing one’s position within the family. KTGA recalls a quote from psychologist Dr. Richard Davidson: “The feeling of being threatened in one’s position within the family can have a significant impact on a person’s psychology.” This is especially true in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, where each party may have different expectations and fears.

A mother-in-law may feel overshadowed by her daughter-in-law’s presence, while the daughter-in-law might feel controlled and lacking in freedom. The lack of mutual understanding sometimes leads to silent battles, where both sides fail to acknowledge the other’s feelings.

Build Mutual Understanding and Respect

The relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law has long been regarded as one of the most complex and conflict-prone within a family. However, mutual understanding and respect are crucial factors that can help both parties resolve their differences, ease tension, and create a peaceful living space. Building this understanding is not an easy task; it requires time, patience, and a deep sensitivity to each other’s emotions.

Understanding Begins with Listening Honestly

When you are the daughter-in-law or the mother-in-law, the first step in the journey of understanding is to listen sincerely. But this is not just about hearing what the other person says; it’s about listening with your heart. KTGA has witnessed many mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships being saved simply because one party actively listened to the concerns and emotions of the other without rushing to offer advice or judgment.

For example, if a mother-in-law shares her old family habits or issues in raising children, rather than criticizing, try sitting down and listening to her story. Sometimes, her advice is not about interference or criticism, but rather a heartfelt sharing in the hope of helping her daughter-in-law become a better mother and wife.

Similarly, the daughter-in-law should also learn to open up and share her struggles with her mother-in-law, whether it’s pressure from work or the challenges of managing the family. In doing so, both will feel the understanding and respect from the other. Feeling heard will help both the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law alleviate tension, rather than continue judging each other.

Put Yourself in the Other Person’s Shoes

One of the most effective ways to build understanding is to put yourself in the other person’s shoes—something we often forget when faced with disagreements. Both the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have their own thoughts and emotions, and when we try to view the issue from the other’s perspective, we gain a more objective understanding of what they are going through.

KTGA once witnessed a young daughter-in-law who, when she first moved into her husband’s family, felt uncomfortable with her mother-in-law constantly offering advice on raising children. However, after a candid conversation with her mother-in-law, she realized that her mother-in-law only wanted to help out of concern for the little grandchild and because she lacked experience with modern parenting methods. Therefore, instead of feeling frustrated and resistant, the daughter-in-law learned to respect and appreciate her mother-in-law’s advice, while also explaining the parenting approach she preferred to implement with her own children.

Likewise, if the mother-in-law understands that her daughter-in-law is dealing with numerous challenges in balancing work, family, and personal life, she will be more empathetic when the daughter-in-law cannot fulfill all of her expectations or requests.

Respect Each Other’s Choices and Decisions

Respect is not only about listening or empathizing but also about accepting the other person’s decisions and choices, even when they may differ from your own viewpoint. Respect here does not mean agreeing entirely, but rather acknowledging that everyone has the right to make their own decisions in life in their own way.

A real-life example is in child-rearing. A mother-in-law may have a different perspective on how to raise children compared to her daughter-in-law. In this case, instead of trying to impose her own way, the mother-in-law can respect her daughter-in-law’s choices in parenting and only offer advice when asked. Similarly, the daughter-in-law must respect the experiences her mother-in-law has gone through, understanding that the advice she offers may come from years of life lessons.

When you respect the other person’s choices, you not only create equality in the relationship, but also show that you value their feelings and decisions. This will make the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law softer and more comfortable.

Acknowledge Differences and Seek Common Ground

Differences between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are inevitable, but acknowledging and respecting these differences is an essential step in building mutual understanding. KTGA has noticed that conflicts arise when each party tries to change the other or forces them to think and act the same way. Instead, it’s important to accept that everyone has unique traits and find common ground to bond over.

Consider a real-life scenario: if the mother-in-law prefers cleanliness and order, while the daughter-in-law is a bit more “disorganized” in household tasks, rather than criticizing or forcing the daughter-in-law to change, the mother-in-law can show respect and gradually create a shared space where each person can express their personality without causing discomfort to the other. This could involve dividing tasks reasonably or offering gentle suggestions without pressure

Establishing Clear Boundaries Between Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law

One of the most important factors in maintaining a harmonious and lasting mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship is the establishment of clear boundaries. These boundaries are not about distance or coldness but about respecting each other’s space, privacy, and personal needs. When both the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law understand and respect these boundaries, their relationship becomes more comfortable, avoids unnecessary conflicts, and creates a peaceful, respectful shared living space.

Boundaries Concerning Privacy and Interference

One of the biggest issues that many mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law face is excessive interference in each other’s personal lives. A mother-in-law may feel entitled to get involved in family decisions, from parenting, finances, to how family events are organized. Meanwhile, the daughter-in-law may feel controlled, lacking freedom, and losing her decision-making power in her own home.

KTGA observes that to prevent this relationship from becoming tense, it is important to have open discussions about these boundaries. For example, if a mother-in-law tends to offer advice on parenting that the daughter-in-law feels is unnecessary or inappropriate, the daughter-in-law needs to learn to express respect while gently asking her mother-in-law not to intervene too much in her parenting decisions.

A polite and gentle way to do this could be to say: “Mom, I understand that you want to help, but I have my own way of raising the children. I really appreciate your advice and will ask for it when I need it.” This way, you show respect to your mother-in-law but also protect your own decision-making rights.

Boundaries Regarding Shared Living Space

Another issue related to boundaries between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is the sharing of living space. Common areas in a house are not always spacious enough for everyone to live comfortably without feeling intruded upon. This is especially true when a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have to live together. Creating separate spaces is crucial.

KTGA has witnessed many strained relationships when either the mother-in-law or the daughter-in-law doesn’t understand that private space is an essential part of family life. Everyone needs some private space to relax, work, and even to handle personal matters. Sometimes, establishing boundaries simply means informing each other about the personal time they need.

For example, the daughter-in-law could tell the mother-in-law: “Mom, I need some quiet time in my room to work or rest. I’ll come out for meals when I’m done.” Similarly, the mother-in-law can request some private time to take care of herself without interruptions.

Boundaries Regarding Authority and Roles Within the Family

In a family, every member has a unique role and certain authority. The mother-in-law, with years of experience in the family, often sees herself as having a larger say in how the family operates. However, the daughter-in-law—who is new to the family—also has the right to make decisions regarding her own life and her small family.

KTGA points out that to create a healthy relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, both need to understand and respect each other’s roles within the family. The mother-in-law needs to realize that the daughter-in-law has the right to make decisions regarding her own family, and the daughter-in-law must also recognize the mother-in-law’s role in maintaining family traditions and habits.

In specific situations, if the mother-in-law wants to get involved in organizing family events, the daughter-in-law can gently explain: “I really appreciate your suggestion, but my husband and I have decided to organize the event in our way. I would be very happy if you could help with preparing the food or looking after the grandchildren.” This is a way for both sides to maintain a harmonious relationship while ensuring that no one feels overshadowed in family decisions.

Boundaries Regarding Handling Conflicts

Disagreements and conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, and the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is no exception. However, it is important for both parties to establish rules of conduct for handling conflicts in order to maintain respect and prevent the relationship from becoming overly tense.

One important boundary that KTGA recommends establishing is that, in times of conflict, both the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law need to exercise restraint and not cross certain limits in their words and actions. Instead of blaming each other or excessively criticizing, both parties should find ways to resolve issues calmly and with mutual respect.

For example, if there is a difference in parenting styles, instead of having a heated argument, both can agree to have a conversation to share their perspectives. If necessary, they can seek the advice of a professional to address the issues fairly and reasonably